My Maureen
by elsie123
Summary: Joanne and Maureen's relationship is far from perfect. On the outside they are like any other normal couple. They laugh and fight and cry but what goes on behind closed doors? i do not own the characters of Rent. This is my first fanfiction, written from Joanne's pov. Contains bad language at some points, references to self harm and possibly sexual scenes.
1. Chapter 1

'Ahh' I sigh as I flop down on the bed, exhausted. This stupid trial is just really dragging out! Don't get me wrong usually I love my job. Somehow I get a buzz out of it but today ugh. Everything's getting on top of me. I just want to sleep! Maureen phoned, right in the middle of my lunch break today, my lunch break I spent doing paperwork again. She didn't sound right. She thinks I don't know but I do, I can tell when she's upset but she tries to hide it even from me.

The conversation went something like this:

'Hello?'

'Hi, Joanne.'

'Oh hey baby! How are you?'

'Erm..fine. Just calling to say I'm going to be out when you get home. I'll fill you in later.'

'Oh okay honeybear. I love you baby.'

'Yeah me too, bye.'

She didn't say 'I love you'. That definitely means something is wrong. I rub my temples, closing my eyes. Okay what could be wrong? Maybe it was that argument we had the other day? That stupid, stupid argument. All she did was tell me how she felt! And then I lost it with her! She's been through enough she didn't need that too. I guess for a moment it all just became too much, just everything.

It's hard being in a relationship with Maureen Johnson. She's beautiful, she's perfect in every way, she just hates herself. Sometimes I watch her when she's asleep which to be honest isn't often, she doesn't sleep much. I can't help but wonder how she's my girlfriend. She's mine, my girlfriend not Marks, not some slutty woman's from a club, mine. Yet somehow she's not. She's distant from me sometimes, it's like she's there in physical form but she's not really there. It's hard for her to talk about how she's feeling yet she can't even begin to talk to anyone else but me. She hates everything but her eyes, her gorgeous eyes, but I love everything about her. How can I love her when she doesn't love herself?

I open my eyes and drag myself off the bed, hoping to find some distraction to stop me thinking about everything, to stop the worrying thoughts going round and round my head. I go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face. I let the coolness wash over me and I feel my body relax slightly. I stand up and pat my face dry with the towel on the rail and then I notice that the cabinet door is slightly open. I'm a little OCD what can I say? So I open the door and take a look to see if everything's just how I left it. God I'm so uptight sometimes.

It all looks normal at first but I have well trained eyes. The packet of razors is open, just as it was this morning when I took one out to shave my legs, but something's not right. I empty out the last 3 razors in the packet and then I spot it. On one of the blades there is a tiny spot of blood. I freeze as I hear the door to the apartment open and close. Maureen's footsteps get closer to the bathroom and then... 'I'm sorry.'

I don't move. I can't. I can't expect Maureen to be sorry for what she's done. I'm a hypocrite. My mind wanders back to last week and my hand finds my hip under my top and the bandages. No I can't expect her to stop when I can't. I vowed I would never scare her again like that but I know deep down that it will happen again. On the outside I'm normal, I'm Joanne Jefferson the lawyer, strong willed, rational and maybe a little too organised for everyone's liking but inside I'm screaming for help. My mind focuses back to the present. I'm still holding the razor and Maureen is standing behind me in silence. Without even looking around I know she's holding back tears. Truth be told I like it when she cries. It sounds weird but I'd rather she cried than hurt herself or shouted or completely shut down on me but she doesn't like it. She hates it.

I turn around.

'I'm sorry,' she whispers again.

I don't say a word. I set the razor down on the edge of the sink and pull my beautiful girlfriend into a hug. I never want to let her go. I realise how much I love her. She is the most amazing thing that has ever and will ever happen to me and I wish I could let her see that. For that moment I don't care about the cutting, or the fighting or the eating or the mask she wears I only care about the love I have for her. My Maureen.

Maureen pushes away from me after a couple of minutes. I see the confusion on her face.

'Why aren't you angry with me?' She asks.

That's simple.

'Because I love you.'

I give her a warm smile tilting my head to the side slightly. She turns away from me.

'Honeybear talk to me please.'

I place my hand on her shoulder but she shrugs it off.

'Baby I can't read your mind. I'm not angry I just want to know what happened.'

'What do you think happened?!'

I can tell she's going to cry, that's why she's not facing me.

'Baby I'd rather you told me than I just assumed I know.'

'I..I can't..' She whispers.

'Come on Honeybear. I'll put on the kettle and let you get your thoughts sorted for a minute.'

My hand slides down her arm to her hand. I don't look at her face, I know she will get upset if I see her crying again so I hold her soft hand in mine and lead her out of the bathroom to the couch then proceed to the kitchen to make coffee. I return to the couch with two steaming mugs in my hands. Maureen's sat on the edge staring straight ahead, her beautiful eyes unblinking.

'Honeybear?'

She shakes her head a little and takes the mug out of my hand.

'Thanks' she mutters

. I carefully sit down next to her and turn myself so I'm facing her and then I wait.

'Umm well..' She begins, 'I got upset.'

Maureen's finger circles the top of her mug and her eyes follow.

' The other night..when we argued and you left -'

I knew this was down to me.

'I didn't actually do anything then. I felt like I needed to stay calm in case you came home. But..'

'Go on baby.' I urge.

'But today I woke up and you'd already gone then I guess it all just hit me, I thought you might still be angry with me and then everything sort of spiralled and well...I cut.'

Maureen falls silent still looking at her coffee. I set my mug on the table and pull my legs up onto the couch.

'Baby do you blame yourself for me walking out?' I ask.

Slowly she nods her head.

'Maureen, baby, it was not your fault! I was stressed because of this stupid case at work and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have but I did and that wasn't fair on you but it was not your fault.'

Tears slowly slide down Maureen's rosy cheeks. She quickly wipes them away, refusing to look at me.

'Honeybear please look at me?'

After a few seconds she slowly turns her gaze to my face, her eyes wet from her silent tears. I cup her face in my hands and look at her right in the eye.

'Maureen I should never have upset you like that so I am sorry but baby I need you to talk to me if it happens again instead of hurting yourself. You are my girlfriend and I care about you despite what you may think. You are funny and kind and beautiful and perfect. And I love you more than anything in the whole world.'

And then she smiles.

I wake up the next morning aching from my night on the sofa. Maureen lies almost on top of me with her arm flung across my waist and her head resting on my chest. I stroke her beautiful hair while she sleeps. My heart flutters. I love these moments, I live for them. Just us two. Those moments where I get to see the real Maureen, the Maureen only I get to see. Sure there are times when I want to strangle her for leaving her clothes and six inch heels lying everywhere and times where I think it's the end but those times are what make us Maureen and Joanne. She is so loving and so gentle with me. I love it when she smiles. Her eyes light up. Her whole expression changes. She is happy for that moment and seeing her like that makes me happy. I want to make her happy. I want to give her everything I can and support her and protect her. She makes me feel like there's nothing else in the world that matters but us. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had never met Maureen. Would I still be a lawyer? Would I be happy? The answer is no I wouldn't be happy. There would be no me without her. Maureen is my life now and without her I have nothing. I love her with everything I have. These are the thoughts that run through my head as I close my eyes again and drift off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

'Wakey wakey sleepy head!' Maureen shouts from the kitchen.

I open my eyes with some difficulty and manage to sit up, massaging my neck.

'What time is it?' I mumble.

'11,' Maureen tells me as she brings a fresh mug of coffee and a plate of toast over to me, sets them on the table and flops down next to me on the couch.

'What?! I was meant to be at work for 8!'

I hop off the couch but Maureen pulls me back down again.

'Maureen let me go! I have work!'

I struggle to release her grip.

'No you don't I've called in and said you're sick.'

I stop struggling.

'You've what?! I have a big case coming up! I can't afford to have tomorrow off never mind a Friday!'

Friday is usually my busiest day as I don't work on Saturdays so try to do as much as possible the day before.

'Pookie calm down! You're staying off today. We can spend the day together. Just us two.'

I see the pleading look in her eyes and give in.

'Fine but I do need to get a shower.' I say taking a sip of my coffee.

'Okay'

Maureen sits back with a suspicious look in her eyes.

'What?!' I ask.

'I need a shower too.'

I almost choke on my coffee as she grabs my hand and pulls me towards the bathroom, giggling.

I shiver as the water drips off my hair down my bare back where the towel doesn't cover, a smile still etched on my face. That was a shower I would never forget. Maureen skips in only wearing her jeans and a bra, her wet hair dripping down her exposed skin.

'You seen my top?' She asks flinging clothes out of the drawer.

I eye the flying tops landing on the floor.

'Well there's a top and there's one oh and there's another,' I say pointing at each as it flies through the air.

Maureen turns round and shoots me a dirty look.

'I mean the red one I wore last week when we went out for lunch. The tight one.'

'Ohhhhh that one. It's probably still in the washing as I've been working all week and no one else bothers to do it around here,' I say as I smother body lotion onto my legs.

Maureen stands with her hands on her hips watching me.

'What?' I ask.

'I have nothing to wear now!' She whines.

'Oh give over. You have more than one top.'

I wipe my hands on the towel wrapped around my body and begin searching through the now very messy drawer to look for a different top. I pull out a tight plain black one with long sleeves.

'I like this one,' I say holding it up against her, 'it shows off your sexy body.'

Maureen pulls me in close to her with a smile on her face and we share a passionate kiss.

An hour later we sit side by side on the couch. I'm reading my book, I might as well now that I actually have time to do it, and Maureen is next to me reading a magazine, well flicking through it. She sighs.

'Yes?' I say looking up from the pages of my book.

'Can't we do something? I mean we barely ever have a full day to ourselves.'

'I'm off every Saturday!'

'But even when you're off you're still doing work!'

She flings the magazine on to the table and sits up on her knees.

'I just want us to do something nice together for once. Can't we go out?'

'Where?' I ask closing my book.

'Oooh well a new club has opened like 10 minutes away! We could go for dinner or something then go there?'

'I don't know Maureen.'

'Oh come on Pookie! Please! We never go out!' Maureen whines at me.

'Fine but I have nothing to wear!'

Maureen's eyes light up. 'I'm sure I can find you something,' she says with a wink as she leaps up and skips off to our bedroom.

At 5 o' clock Maureen and I walk in through the doors of the restaurant a few blocks from home. I tug at the hem of my dress as we are led to a table in the corner of the room. I am wearing possibly the shortest and most revealing dress I have ever worn in my life! It was a navy dress I had bought in a moment of madness as Maureen had whined at me in the shop saying that I never bought any new clothes so I picked it up and threw it on the counter. As soon as we got home it got pushed to the end of my wardrobe that holds an old Cleopatra costume from Halloween, a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a few other skimpy dresses I had acquired shopping with Maureen. The dress was tight down to my waist where it flowed out and ended well above my knees. It was quite low at my chest and had short sleeves. Maureen had given me a thin red belt to put around my tiny waist, showing off my figure and I had red strappy heels to match.

We take our seats and open the menus. I gaze at Maureen over my menu. She is beautiful. Her hair falls in soft curls around her face and her red lipstick is applied to perfection on her gorgeous lips. I smile to myself as I wonder what the night will hold.

I collapse on the chair and close my eyes for a minute, catching my breath. My feet are killing me! Maureen has so much stamina I can't even keep up! We have been at the club for about 2 hours now and Maureen hasn't sat down once! I brush a strand of hair away from my face and open my heavy eyes again to find Maureen on the dance floor. I scan the room and there's no sign so I go to the bar and order another drink for myself. I take a sip of the cocktail and spin around to look for my girlfriend and I find her. There in the middle of the dance floor is Maureen, my Maureen dirty dancing with another woman. Again.

I knock back my drink, slamming the glass down on the table and storm over wobbling slightly in the damn heels. Maureen looks up as I stop beside her.

'Hey Pookie, you coming to join us?'

'No! Get away from her now!'

I spit out the words flashing the tall, pretty woman the nastiest look I can manage. She takes a hint and walks away.

'Pookie what the hell?!' Maureen practically shouts at me.

'You're my girlfriend! I'm not sitting back and watching you feeling her up!'

'Pookie it was just dancing!'

'Well it looked a lot more than dancing to me!' I yell.

'We were having fun!' She waves her arms dramatically. 'Maybe you should try it sometime instead of being so fucking uptight!'

'Well maybe I just need to get away from you!'

And I storm out into the freezing cold away from the most important person in my life.


	3. Chapter 3

I pull the blanket more tightly around me and take a sip of my coffee. 14 hours. That's how long she's been gone. I just left her standing there and she didn't come home! I haven't slept. I haven't eaten anything. I set the coffee cup down on the table and get up, throwing the blanket down on the couch. I'm going to be sick. I go to the bathroom and run the cold water, splashing it over my hot face. I need to calm down. She's okay. She's Maureen. She's my Maureen and I left her.

14 hours and 30 minutes. I'm pacing the flat trying to hold back the worry and tears that are about to flood the strong wall that I'd spent years building up to stop my emotions bubbling over. I'm still in my dress from last night. I didn't go to bed. I sat up thinking the whole night. It wasn't the same lying in bed without Maureen lying beside me. It was too cold and empty. Just like my heart.

15 hours. Okay this is stupid. She's not going to pick up her phone so why should I bother trying. Why would she want to talk to me? I've hurt her and that's something I promised I wouldn't do. I sit on the edge of the couch holding my head in my hands. I close my eyes. What if she is actually gone? What if she never comes back? What if I never get to see her again? I'm alone. My heart aches from the empty void left by my perfect girlfriend. She is my whole life. I need my Maureen.

And then the door opens.

I open my eyes and there she is. Maureen has come back to me, despite last night. Or maybe she's just come to collect her stuff then she's leaving again. She's been crying. Her eyes are puffy and red, her mascara has been long washed off but she still wears her dress from last night just like I do.

'Hi,' she whispers.

'Hi,' I say back.

And then without another word we both stand up and run into each other's arms like something out of a movie and kiss.

Maureen snuggles in closer to me after our kiss. Her arms are wrapped around my waist squeezing me tightly. I squeeze back. I missed her. Maybe she missed me too?

'I'm sorry Honeybear' I whisper, 'I should never have left you or said anything. I need you.'

She places her hands tightly on my shoulders and pushes me back slightly to look into my eyes. I gaze back into hers. Those perfect eyes.

'I love you more than I have ever loved anything in the whole stupid world,' she blurts out, 'you are my everything Joanne. I'm not angry at you. I'm not even upset with you. I'm upset with myself because I know that I've done this to you. I've made you care about me.'

I stand there still gazing into her eyes, my mouth hanging open slightly.

'You think this is your fault?' I say slowly, 'Maureen you didn't force me to love you, you didn't force me to do anything and this is far from your fault. Okay so sometimes yeah you drive me mad but since I walked out last night I regretted it. Every step I took away from you I wanted to turn back. I need you in my life because you are my life. You are my Maureen. We're Maureen and Joanne that weird lesbian couple no one in the world would ever put together but it's perfect. We are perfect. I love you.'

I take another sip of coffee. Yes another. I think I'm addicted. As I sip my way through my third coffee between the early hours of the morning and now, Maureen eats her toast, slowly munching each bite with a look that tells me she's deep in thought on her face.

'What are you thinking Honeybear?' I ask.

'Oh nothing,' she replies, 'I just thought last night was the end. I thought you'd finally realised I'm a lost cause and you weren't coming back.'

She says it all so matter of factly that I sit in complete shock until she says

'Joanne?'

I shake myself, set my coffee down on the table and turn myself so I'm facing her.

'Maureen you are the love of my life. You're far from a lost cause. We both come with our share of issues but none of that matters. What matters is that I love you more than I can even put into words and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.'

Her mouth hangs open a little. Maybe this time she actually believes what I'm saying maybe she doesn't, maybe she's still surprised I haven't got up and walked away but right now I have my girlfriend back and considering what happened last night I couldn't be more grateful.


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up in bed the next morning, stiff from sitting on the couch all day yesterday. I stretch and notice Maureen isn't beside me. I sit up. How did I even get here? I don't remember leaving the couch. My body hurts but I ignore the pain and get off the bed to find Maureen. A burning smell fills my nostrils as I open the door. Maureen, being the domestic goddess that she is, is in the kitchen attempting to make what vaguely looks like bacon.

'Honeybear what are you doing?'

She looks around and smiles.

'I'm making my gorgeous girlfriend breakfast,' she looks down at the pan and frowns,' well I'm trying.'

I laugh. 'Here, let me take over baby.'

She moves out of the way of the cooker, sliding on the floor in her socks. I look down at the black, crinkled pieces of what began as bacon in the pan and start giggling.

'What the hell are you laughing at?!' Maureen asks, the confusion on her face is evident.

'I..I don't know!' I manage, now clutching my stomach.

'Joanne come on woman pull yourself together!' Maureen shakes my shoulders. I bite my lip to stop the giggling and look into her eyes.

'You're like a teenager! What's got into you Pookie?'

I think. I really have no idea why I'm laughing. I mean, what's really funny about a few charcoaled pieces of bacon? Maybe I'm in shock, maybe I've gone mad or maybe I'm just in love. I smile at Maureen. She's still waiting for an answer to her question with a raised eyebrow.

'You,' I reply and I kiss her.

After a breakfast of cheese on toast and a cup of coffee Maureen and I share a cuddle on the couch. The burnt bacon lies forgotten in the pan. I stroke her hair, quickly turning into the protective girlfriend I usually am. I have to forget about yesterday. Today is a new day and I'm ready for it. Come on I'm Joanne Jefferson! If I can stand up in a court full of people I'm sure I can give my girlfriend what she deserves.

I get off the couch and pick up the phone.

'What are you doing?' Maureen asks.

I hold my finger to my lips as someone answers.

'Oh hi Kim,' I say down the phone, 'Its Joanne. Um I'm just calling in to say I'm taking the rest of the week off. I'm sick.' And I do the most pathetic fake cough ever which causes Maureen to burst into a fit of giggles.

'Yes,' I continue shooting Maureen a smile, 'no I should hopefully be better by next week. The Doctor told me to take it easy. Yeah. Okay yeah I'll see you then. Okay bye.' And I put the phone down.

Maureen jumps off the couch and wraps her arms around me.

'You are a genius!' She says, 'but I'm sorry you cannot act. At all.'

I laugh and tickle her.

'Well we're not all as talented as you!'

'Okay so what are we going to do this week then?' She sits down. 'Hmm we could go to the movies? Or see a show? Or dinner? Maybe not a club that didn't work so well last time.' She frowns.

'Baby why don't we go for lunch?' I suggest.

'Okay yeah sounds good.'

Two hours later we sit at a table for two in the back corner of a little cafe I spotted on my way to work one morning. We order a toasted sandwich and coffee each and then Maureen sinks back into her chair and smiles.

'What?' I say.

'Nothing,' the corners of her mouth turn into a smile.

I kick her lightly under the table and smile back. Her gaze leaves my face and she turns to look around the room. My eyes don't move. I stare at her, her beautiful curly hair that falls around her face, her full lips, her pink cheeks, her perfection. How I managed to land myself such a stunning girlfriend I will never know. She looks like she's just stepped out of my dreams! She looks back to me catching my eyes as I quickly glance down.

'What were you staring at?' She asks.

'You,' I smile.

'Have I got something on my face?' She asks, her hands reaching for her rosy cheeks.

'No, silly,' I laugh, 'you're just perfect,'

I smile as I watch her blush and dip her head slightly in embarrassment. I love it when she does that. I mean it. She is perfect and I'm glad that I'm the only one that gets to see the real Maureen sometimes because it is a truly magical thing to see.


	5. Chapter 5

It's getting dark as we head back home in the cold. I pull my scarf up higher around my chin, protecting my skin from the harsh autumn air. Maureen holds my hand, swinging her shopping bags in the other. She looks happy. I like it when she's happy, it makes me happy too. I decide now is a good time to ask so I take a deep breath and open my mouth.

'Baby?'

'Yeah Pookie?'

'Um the other night when we ... um... where did you go?'

My question is met by silence. Maureen stops swinging her shopping bags, she stops smiling. She just looks down at the ground watching her feet as we walk.

'baby?'

'Yeah? Um sorry Jo can we talk about it at home? Please?'

'Sure.' I resent the chirpy tone in my voice as we silently continue our journey home.

I turn the key in the door and stand back to let Maureen in. She's still quiet. I know something's wrong when she's quiet. Sometimes she becomes clingy, sometimes she's tired but most times she's upset. I throw my bag up on the kitchen counter as Maureen flops down on the couch. She begins to pick at her nail polish, flicking red flakes on to the floor. I lean on the counter and watch her. She's biting her lip, still picking at her nails but she stares straight ahead. Suddenly she jumps. I become more alert and stand up straight as her hand reaches for her lip. She pulls it back and I see her lip is bleeding. I take a deep breath and make my way over to her.

'Honeybear?' I say sitting down beside her.

She's shaking. Shit. I need to calm her down. Good start Joanne, good start. I place my hand on her shoulder. She shrugs it off.

'Baby please talk to me,' I plead trying not to let my emotion show too much. I can't let it. Only one of us can break down at a time. I can hold it together. I kneel down in front of her and tilt her chin up so I can look at her eyes. They're glassy. I know she's trying not to cry.

'Come on baby. I'm your girlfriend. I care about you Maureen.'

'You shouldn't. No one else does.' She gasps in shock at the words that have just escaped from her soft, red lips. I'm not shocked like she is. When you live with Maureen you find out some things about her like how she takes way too much time to find clothes she actually wants to wear, she's a drama queen, she has the world's cutest giggle but the most important, she thinks she's worthless.

'Darling where did you go?'

'Um I went to visit my parents,' she whispers.

'Oh, and what happened baby?' I prompt.

She bites her lip again so I slowly touch my finger to it, making her stop.

'I told them...about you.' She mumbles.

'Go on honeybear.'

'Well they were pretty surprised to see me in the first place as I haven't contacted them in what? 3 years? So I thought they deserved an explanation. You um leaving mae me realise that you are what I want and what I need in my life so I told them. They were kind of shocked to begin with and then..dad got angry. He started shouting at me. He thinks I can chose, that this is my choice. Its not like I can chose who I love! And even if I could I would chose you every time! Mum just sat there! She didn't say anything then basically dad just disowned me so I went to talk to Mark because well I left him for a woman so I guess I needed to talk to him about it too. Then I came back home to you.'

She looks relieved to have gotten it all off her chest. She looks at me with a questioning look in her eyes. I get off the ground and sit beside her on the couch and pull her close into my chest.

'I'm so proud of you Maureen.' I whisper into my gorgeous girlfriend's ear.


	6. Chapter 6

Sometimes I just run out of things to say, sometimes I don't know what to say. I just want to hold her and let her know I've got her and I love her. I wish I could see into her head, how everything is mapped out. Why does she get scared? Why does she hate herself so much? Why does she hurt herself? Maureen has answered some of these questions for me but I wish I could just see the answers exactly as she does, just for a moment, so that I could fully understand. She is skinny but thinks she's fat. She puts on a smile even when she's crying inside. She cuddles into me even if she feels alone. There are so many things I do understand but there are so many things unknown. I wonder what it would be like if she could see herself from my point of view? She would see that she is beautiful. She is smart and funny and she makes me smile more than anyone ever has. She makes me the happiest person alive. She has an amazing body that I would just die for. Her hair, no matter how much it annoys her, is stunning. I wish I could forever run my fingers through it. Her smile, her real smile, makes my heart flutter. Its magic. And her eyes. No words can describe those eyes. When she smiles those amazing eyes of hers light up and make me smile too. They are so striking, so beautiful. She is perfect. Maybe if she could be me for a day she wouldn't hate herself so much. She would see that she is worth everything and, as cheesy as it sounds, I would die without her in my life.

I open my eyes and gaze at my gorgeous girlfriend lying next to me. Our hands are still locked between us. I memorise every detail of her face. I smile at her cute little button nose. Her hair lies spread out on the pillow with her arm tucked into her chest. She is Maureen and she is perfect.

Maureen's still asleep when I wake up. I don't know how. Usually she's the first up but not today. I decide I want to treat her to a nice breakfast, something fresh. I gently roll out of the bed, de-tangling myself from Maureen's arms, to look in the kitchen for some food. Okay so we're due a big shop as the cupboards are bare. I pull on my trackies and a hoodie and sneak quietly out of the flat, grabbing my purse and keys on the way out. I guess I'll just have to pop out to the shop then if I want to treat my girl.

I lick my lips at the thought of pancakes and syrup for breakfast as I swing my bags. The shop was surprisingly busy for 8.30 in the morning so I've been gone at least 40 minutes. Maybe Maureen's up and this won't get to be a surprise at all. I'm humming by the time I reach our door, excited at my plan, but I stop. I barely breathe. I move quietly closer to the door. I hear a muffled scream. Maureen.

I scrabble for my keys, I can't waste time, if I could knock the bloody door down I would! I need to get in there. The door flies open. She screams again.

'Maureen?' I shout, throwing my bags on the ground and shutting the door quickly.

Where the hell is she? I run to the bedroom.

'Maureen?' I shout again as I fling the door open.

Shit.

'Don't move Joanne.'

She doesn't look at me. She's Frozen and so am I. The blade shines in the morning light coming in the window, the blood glimmers. I watch it. Her breathing is fast, tears stream down her cheeks.

'Maureen please put it down?' I'm calm, on the outside anyway.

On the inside the rational Joanne says 'just talk to her. She will put it down.'

The irrational Joanne however is screaming, 'get it off her! She's going to leave you! You're going to lose her!'

I push the irrational me away and speak slowly to Maureen.

'Mo you don't need to do this. Its okay, I'm here.'

She begins whimpering. I don't know if its from the pain or the terror. I quickly glance at her side. Its bad, its really bad. Blood streams down her side. Its on her hands. She's a mess. Why the hell did I leave her?! She's losing too much blood. She needs to put the knife down. She can't leave me! Shutup irrational Joanne!

'Baby listen to me please.'

I see her hand tense slightly as I begin to walk towards her. She's sobbing now, her breathing's heavy. The knife moves closer to her skin. I need to get that cut sorted out fast. There's too much blood. Shit.

I stop moving.

'Maureen, I know it seems like there's no way out right now but baby there is. You've got me and I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to hurt you and-'

'That didn't stop him!' She screams at me as the blade slices at her skin again. I gasp watching the blood trickle down. I run at her and grab her hand before it touches her delicate skin again.

'Let me go!' She screams.

She's hysterical. Where is my girlfriend? What has taken over? She's not Maureen anymore. She's frightened and angry and hopeless. How could I have let this happen? Why didn't I help her? Piss off irrational Joanne!

I'm still holding her wrist tightly as she struggles to free it.

'Leave me alone! I want to go! I want to die! Just let me!' I see the pain in her eyes, I hear it in her cries. I want my girlfriend back.

'Maureen I am not letting you go!' I scream back. 'You can't leave me! I need you Maureen! I love you!'

I guess I should listen to irrational Joanne more often just like Maureen does as she drops the blood covered knife and breaks down into floods of tears in my arms.


	7. Chapter 7

Maureen's sobbing on me. I've pressed my hand against the wound in the hope that the bleeding might stop. I rub Maureen's back with my other hand.

'Shh it's okay baby, I've got you.' I say to her to calm her down. I start humming instead. I've noticed her relax when I do this. I hum softly, feeling her blood trickle slowly over my fingers. She's losing too much. I need to get her to hospital. I press down slightly harder, making her jump and cry harder but I have to, I have no choice. I hate hearing her cry because I've done something but her crying when she's in pain tops the lot. I scan my brain, still humming. Do I know anyone I can actually call in this situation? Yes! Chris!

Chris is an old friend of mine who lives around the corner and has actually met Maureen a few times. We talk now and again but he's a doctor so he's usually quite busy. Maybe I shouldn't call him. I glance down at Maureen. Then again, maybe I should.

The tears are still falling from Maureen's sad eyes as Chris finishes her stitches and covers them up as we all sit in the kitchen. He's barely said a word to me. Maureen clutches my hand like its her life line. I don't know how I'm holding it together right now. I need to be strong for my girlfriend but I don't know how I'm doing it. I stroke her wrist softly with my thumb as Chris stands up.

'I think you should get her to bed Joanne.' He says to me putting his things away, 'then I'd like to talk to you.'

'No Chris, I'm not leaving her alone,' I say.

'Fine well can we at least talk over here then?' He says moving near the door.

I glance at Maureen. She nods her head slightly so I kiss her on the forehead and follow Chris.

'Joanne how did that happen?' He asks me with a serious look on his sharp face.

'It was an accident.' I look him in the eyes.

'Joanne I know self harm when I see it. She has other scars on her side.'

'Chris whatever Maureen has done or is doing to herself is for us to deal with. I'm helping her through this and I'm not going to give up on her. She is my girlfriend and I love her. I appreciate your help today but I'd rather you didn't say any more regarding this to anyone because at the end of the day it's no one else's business and you should respect that for Maureen's sake.'

Chris is left speechless by what I've said. His mouth hangs open slightly and his eyes are wide, so I speak up again.

'Now Chris, if you don't mind I'd like you to go so I can sort Maureen out. Thank you for all of your help,' I say closing the door behind him. No one should argue with a lawyer, especially me.

I somehow manage to get Maureen into bed even though it's only 2.30. I don't know how but I do. She's exhausted and sore and I wish I could just kiss it all better. My mind's gone into overdrive. It hurts but I don't care, right now Maureen is what matters. I crawl under the covers too and pull them up around us. She winces slightly as I pull her onto my chest. I have to ask. I hate asking. It just gets her upset again but I don't want a repeat of this so I guess I have to. Okay Joanne be brave.

'Baby?' I whisper, stroking Maureen's beautiful hair.

'Yeah?' She replies.

' Baby why did you do it?'

Silence. Well done Joanne.

'Um well,' she says eventually, ' I was talking to mom earlier, on the phone. It went okay until..' She falls silent again.

'Go on baby it's okay.'

She takes a deep breath.

'Until dad took it off her. He started shouting and upset me.'

'What did he say honeybear?'

'He told me I'm worthless. I'm not his daughter anymore. I'm useless and stupid and I don't deserve to be happy. At least he couldn't hit me again. I don't mind much now. It was just words really. Just the usual.'

I'm shocked at the way Maureen has said all this. She shows no emotion. Nothing.

'Honey, um, what happened next?' I ask.

'I started to remember and then I got angry and I hurt myself then you came home.'

Her voice is childlike. She closes her eyes and cuddles into my chest. I decide not to ask anymore tonight. She needs rest. I begin to hum. I know I'm treating her like my child and not my girlfriend but right now I think this is what she needs, to know she is safe.

'I love you Maureen,' I whisper to my now sleeping girlfriend as I close my eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

I slide back into the bed as quietly and carefully as I can manage, setting the glass of water on the bedside cabinet. Clearly I'm not careful enough as Maureen begins to stir just as I lie down beside her. I watch her. Her hair clings in a sticky mass to her forehead, her top is damp with sweat. She woke up a few times because of the nightmares. She's done it lots of times with me before but never this badly.

It started about half an hour after she fell asleep. I had dosed off a little too and woke up due to the jerking movements Maureen was making, she was whimpering like an upset child. I rubbed her back like I usually do, without waking her and she soon settled again but the first time was nothing compared to the others. About 45 minutes after the first one Maureen jumped so suddenly I nearly fell out of the bed in surprise myself, her breathing got too quick. I watched as she struggled to get a breath not knowing what to do. I called her name and shook her slightly until she woke up panting. She had a look of terror in her eyes. I held her close to me in the hope she would match her breathing to mine. Eventually she managed to drift back to sleep only to wake twice more because of nightmares.

I watch Maureen open her tired eyes. She takes a minute to focus them and then looks at me and smiles. I smile back, how could I not.

'Morning,' she whispers to me.

'I think you mean goodnight baby. It's 9.30.'

I watch the look of confusion on her face.

'But how? I was asleep.'

'Yeah but you went to sleep around one in the afternoon. I thought it was best. Sorry if I've messed your body clock up honey.'

'oh it's okay don't worry.'

She smiles at me again and then tries to move towards me. I see the look of pain flash over her face and her hand shoots to her side, the side with the stitches.

'Baby try not to move too much, it's going to hurt a lot'

She lifts up the side of her top and her eyes widen as she sees the damage she caused. She sits there for a few minutes and I only watch the memories flooding back to her.

'I did that didn't I?' she asks without looking up.

'Yes honey you did but we fixed it, it's okay.'

She slides her top down and moves towards me. I shuffle over towards her so she doesn't end up hurting herself even more. I open my arms ready for her gorgeous body. Maureen lies down with her head resting on my chest. She's always liked lying like this. I gently stroke her soft hair, it's slightly damp with sweat but I continue anyway. I guess it's now or never.

'Honeybear?'

'Yeah?'

'Do you remember what happened last night?'

'Yeah I do.'

I take a deep breath,

'Baby, can you try to explain to me why you did it so I can understand properly? I know there was that phone call with your parents but if it's not too much to ask can you try to tell me it all in a little more detail.'

I've asked her way too much. It takes a minute but finally Maureen replies.

'Um I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start at the beginning. Um there's a reason I don't really talk to my parents that often. I've always been a disappointment to them. They've never been proud of me, not really. Even when I was little they didn't show me so much love. Well mom did sometimes, when I got her alone and dad wasn't there. He used to hurt us. He drank a lot and when he came home it was me and mom that were forced to pay. He would hit her. She didn't have to have done anything but she always ended up with a bruise whether she deserved it or not. I walked in on her in the bath once when I was seven. She was crying. Her body was covered in bruises everywhere. That upset me so much that I was stupid enough to go to dad and tell him how horrible he was. Well that was possibly the worst mistake I have ever made. He hit me, he didn't say a word but he hit me right on the side of my face. Then he did something I will never ever forgive him for. He told me he'd kill me and mom if I didn't do it. I couldn't fight back. He told me to take my clothes off…'

I quickly shut my mouth before Maureen catches a glimpse of the sheer terror on my well controlled face. I put the wall back up and wait for her to carry on.

'he did it a lot after that right up until I left home when I was seventeen and went to live with Mark. I don't know what I would have done without him. He was my way out of that house. Anyway mom never left him as you can tell. I don't know if he hurt her the way he did me, I don't think he did. She just happened to be on the receiving end of his anger. I on the other hand was on the receiving end of his hatred. That phone call yesterday reminded me of that, all of the crap from my childhood. I thought I was unlovable, hated but you showed me I'm not. You saved me.'

Maureen's eyes lock with mine as she finishes the last sentence, those beautiful eyes that still sparkle despite the painful memories they hold. I kiss her on the head.

'I love you Maureen. I will always love you no matter what happens, that I can promise,' I say as Maureen settles against my chest again just in time to miss the tear that flows slowly down my cheek.


	9. Chapter 9

Things have been getting better with Maureen these last few weeks. She's been happier. It took a while to get there. She was so low after her attempt at suicide but well that was to be expected and now that she's finally smiling again I'm not going to let anything bring her down. No that was the last time she would have to feel so alone, so weak, so scared. I am here and I am not letting that happen, ever.

I finish applying my makeup in the mirror and turn to look around the room. It's a mess. Well I guess this is what happens when you live with a diva. I've took a month off work on sick leave. I can't afford to take any more stress out on Maureen and she needs me, I'm not leaving her in her time of need plus it's nice to have some time off to concentrate on our relationship.

I hear the shower turn off as I finish making the bed and then very quietly I hear Maureen singing. It's been weeks since I've heard her sing. I sit down on the bed and listen. I have no idea what song it is, it's too quiet to hear the words. I lie back and close my eyes. Maureen gets a little louder so I can hear the words now.

'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey.'

The singing gets louder as the bathroom door opens and Maureen comes towards the bedroom. I sit up on the bed.

'you'll never know dear how much I love you,' Maureen sings as she walks in through the door, rubbing her hair with the towel.

'so please don't take my sunshine away,' I finish.

I was very quiet but it was loud enough for Maureen to hear. Her arms move to her sides and she stares at me, right into my eyes. I know she understands. Those were more than just song lyrics to me. I get up from the bed and make my way towards my girlfriend. I'm so close I can feel her breath on my face.

'I love you my sunshine,' I whisper as I touch her soft lips with my own.

'Okay we have got to get out of this flat! I can't take it anymore! Yes okay I had a breakdown but look I'm okay now, you're here, I'm here and we're okay but I will not be okay if I have to spend one more day in this place!'

Maureen finishes her little rant with a dramatic arm gesture which I catch out of the corner of my eye from my end of the couch. I didn't look up. If I had it would only have encouraged her to continue and I do not need any more drama in my life thank you very much.

'Ahem Pookie I'm talking to you'

I keep reading my book.

'Heeelllooo? Oh hello Maureen forgot you were there. I'm just so caught up in this damn boring book I forgot my girlfriend was sitting right there beside me. Oh well. Would you like to go out Honeybear? Yes Pookie I would like that very much. I would love to go out. Oh good then Mo lets grab our coats and go. Yes Jo I would like that a lot.'

Maureen finishes her second rant by flinging herself back on the couch and crossing her arms while letting out a low hiss. I glance quickly up from my book so see her sitting with a big frown on her face, staring straight ahead at the door. i close my book and get up from the couch. I'm at the bedroom door by the time Maureen decides to ask what I'm doing.

'you'll have to come and find out for yourself then won't you sexy,' I say from the bedroom. I sit myself down on the bed and Maureen pops her head around the door.

'What did you just call me Joanne Jefferson?' she raises her eyebrow.

' I called you sexy, Maureen Johnson. I thought you heard me as you came running.'

'Oh I heard you all right.'

A devilish smile breaks out on Maureen's lips as she closes the bedroom door and joins me on the bed, pinning me down. How the hell did I manage to get such a god damn sexy girlfriend? I might never know the answer to that but I'm going to enjoy every minute I have with her.


	10. Chapter 10

I listen quietly to Maureen's breathing. The room is in darkness even though the curtains are still open. A thin sliver of light shines in from the streetlamp outside the apartment block, illuminating the patch on the floor where Maureen's discarded clothes lie. I stare at the pile. The pair of tight jeans with a thin black belt still attached to them, an item I am quite fond of on her gorgeous body but they are a bloody nightmare to try to get off smoothly, a tight fitting, plain, black top with long sleeves, I always did wonder why she wore long sleeves when we first met but I soon found out it was to hide her wrists. I wondered why she hid them after all its nothing to be ashamed of but she covered them anyway. Things did get better and she began to wear tops with shorter sleeves exposing her skin but she never threw any of the others away so I guess that's why she still wears them. Maureen's underwear also lies on the floor but a little bit away from the jeans and top. I stare at the tiny thongs wondering how she ever finds those things comfortable but I shouldn't be complaining really, they look amazing on her. I can only see the lacy black trim of her leopard print bra from my position on the bed but I know it's her favourite and it's my favourite too.

I glance over at Maureen. She's turned away from me with her back to me. I remember being really offended the first time she did this to me in bed but I soon found out it was just so she could breathe properly. She likes clean air, somehow that made sense in my head. She wants her own little space at night in bed, it helps her sleep better but she likes to know I'm close so usually I end up falling asleep pressed against her back sometimes with my arm around her. I think about this is my head. It sounds so cheesy and soppy but in a way I like it. I take in the silhouette of Maureen's face. Her sharp nose, her thin eyebrows, her plump little cheeks and striking cheekbones and her soft, full lips which are parted. I listen carefully for the cute sound of her breathing she often makes at night and I smile in the darkness to myself as I hear it.

I turn back around and stare at the ceiling, thinking about a few hours earlier. I pull the duvet up further over my bare body which I still haven't got around to covering yet with clothes. Maureen is perfect. It's been ages since we've felt so close, since it meant so much. she was soft and gentle and in the beginning a little bit timid. Maybe she was afraid of letting me in again, maybe it was too soon for her or maybe she was just afraid I would hurt her after all her side is still quite delicate. I was slow with her. She's my girlfriend, I wasn't about to push her into something she didn't want to do so I went at her pace. I was aware of her whole body, her hands, her mouth, her breathing, every movement she made in response to me. I kissed her so carefully wanting to pleasure her but not scare her. I touched her gently like she was a butterfly that I had to keep safe. Afterwards I held her close to me. She was relaxed and calm and she felt safe. Maybe tonight was a good idea. I had a moment of panic at the start thinking that maybe she wouldn't want to and it was too soon but she gave me that little nod that told me it was okay to carry on so I did. It felt like, when we kissed, it was only us in the whole world, nothing else mattered. My stomach was doing summersaults, her touch sent shocks through my body. It has been so long since we both felt that connection but it was worth the wait. It was worth it just to see the smile on my girlfriend's beautiful face, to hear her moans in pleasure, to have her wrap her arms around me afterwards and tell me she loves me. It was worth the wait just to have my girlfriend back, to have my perfect Maureen.


End file.
